Try to Give Without Expectations
Almost missed today's write up. Had to catch up with a friend at a late night out and had a couple drinks. And then remembered that I have this commitment to keep writing till end of February.
And here I am making this post. This post is kind of throwback and kind of new, so I don't know exactly what to call it. But in summary, it's about learning to do things for others without loading it up with expectations.
And article I had written previously on this topic goes thus: I was inspired to write this blog post by a series of tweets from a friend @tukobos and these are the tweets:
“I've learned something in life: If a person has a victim complex, you can NEVER talk that person out of that victim mentality. Only that person can. If a person has a saviour complex, you can NEVER talk that person out of that saviour mentality. Only that person can.”
“This is why I don't throw in my two cents with such discussions anymore. Because nothing I say will have an effect. But then, I beg of thee reading this: YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM YOU ALSO ARE NOT A SAVIOUR”
“This is to women and this is to men, of all shapes, forms, colour, race, ethnicity, identity, tribe. Go out everyday knowing that the life you want is only the life you can get for yourself. No handouts. No one is entitled to help you.”
“Go out everyday knowing that the life you want others to have is only the life they can get for themselves. Handouts must not come from you. You're not entitled to help anyone. . Give help only because you want to. Receive help only when it's offered to you.”
“Entertain fear less. Have it (for caution), but act less and less on it everyday. Entertain ego less. Have it (for healthy self-image), but act less and less on it everyday.”
“Know your worth. Don't hinge it on people's talk/actions about/around you. Know your worth. Don't shove it in people's faces.”
“Live a peaceful life, y'all. Easier said than done, yes, but hella worth trying and failing and failing less by each successive try, than not trying at all and wondering, "what if?"”
- Chiziterem Ndukwe
These series of tweets to me seemed like it contains a short summary of the sort of mindset winners should have. And that’s why I have shared it as it is without any modifications.
Although I feel “NEVER” is a very strong word to use, I agree with the above quoted tweets to a large extent. Entitlements and expectations have hurt us more than we can even imagine. Undue expectations and feelings of entitlement over other people’s resources, attention or time is what brings about unnecessary conflict.
I was chatting with another friend of mine, a few days ago and we had an interesting chat about the benefits of giving freely to other people with no string attached. One of the key things we agreed on was that practicing the art of giving this way frees us from a lot of potential hurt in future.
I dare say that 99% of us have given with expectation (including myself) writing this, however I am grateful to have come to see how dangerous giving this way can be. Giving with expectation means you want people to pay you back sometime later. It means you are not giving to them because you really want to, rather, you are giving to them because you are keen on getting something back from them.
When you don’t get this thing which you were hoping to get back (by virtue of your giving), it turns you into an entitled monster and you go on doing all sorts of negative things to blackmail the person you initially gave to. Why put yourself through all that stress?
We care too much about our own selfish interests sometimes and that turns us into little devils most times. It’s not always about you and what you want to get out of the things you do. You must not get something out of everything you do. You can make sacrifices, so that another person can get something out of a transaction. You’ll be a lot happier you did. One must not expect something from everything they do for people.
It pays for us to take a step back and really understand that nobody in this world owes us anything or a life. Whatever we want, we must learn to go get it ourselves. People can choose to help you if they want, and you can choose to accept their help or decline it, but you are not entitled to this help for any reason.
You can choose to ask other people you know for help, but you must keep it at the back of your mind that they have a choice to say No to you or Yes if they can. Saying No to you does not mean you keep grudges or begin to make them feel guilty maybe because you had helped them when they asked you. No! You must train your mind to not expect a particular answer from people when you choose to ask for their help. You must also take an answer you get in very good faith and maintain your relationship with those people regardless of their answer. This is difficult, but with repetition and practice it will become second nature.
There are many things we want for ourselves. We want to be loved, cared for, admired, checked on and etc… but do we make out time to give these same things we want to others? That’s the ultimate question we should be asking ourselves. My life changed the moment I started thinking more about my relationship with others than myself. It turns out that I am a lot happier when I try to give freely or provide the things I previously expected from others to others!
It seems counterintuitive that you should give what you want from others to them, but try it and see how suddenly a lot of things in your life change.
The reason why this change happens is that most people are also thinking about others caring about them, paying attention to them, giving something to them or loving them. They are expecting these things too just like you rather than giving it, so when will they find time to give anything to you?
If you are expecting a lot from people or you are hoping they pay you back after you give to them, you are only setting up yourself for disappointment. You must keep an open mind when giving. A mind that expects nothing is a mind that is undisturbed by any outcomes. It will be a win-win situation for you. Because you give freely, you won’t expect those you gave to behave in a certain way to you. Howsoever they choose to behave would not affect your peace of mind. But all these expectations we create are what brings the emotions of anger, bitterness, resentment and hate when they are not met.
Find priceless peace in giving whatever you want or expect in your own life to other people when you are led to. Don’t do it out of compulsion, or do it because you are expecting something. Only do it because you want to. Don’t sit down waiting and expecting other people come give you anything because you expect it from them. It’s a recipe for depression.
One of the main reasons why a lot of people are sad, unhappy about their lives and do crazy stuff to themselves and others is because they expect too much from people and the world. They easily forget that the world doesn’t owe any of them anything. Anything we want, we have to get it through giving. We give our time, our energy and effort to get what we want and help other get what they want if we are led to help them. Whenever we give, our hands become open for us to receive from the world. Giving is far better than expecting to take!
Unselfish people never lack and must not allow the behaviour of other people make them become very selfish. What people do or how people choose to react towards you should not always influence you to become like them. What gives you power is being led internally by your person and your spirit, not by what you expected from others or how they ended up disappointing you.
If you allow those things, they will crush your spirit and turn you into a monster who behaves like the same people you detest. It means you lost the game. You keep winning this game by not expecting much from people. When you don’t expect, people’s negative reactions cannot affect your person because you were not expecting any particular special thing from them. You are happy that you helped the person when you were led to and they made progress, then you take your mind off it! You won’t find time to look at their behaviour when you gave freely with no expectations attached!
It’s key for all bold winners to understand this and that’s why I am taking time to elaborate. If this is well understood, your God-given spirit and person will be leading force in your life and you will not be swayed by the erratic or shocking behaviour that some people may display occasionally.
In summary, we shouldn't give for sake of making another become nice to us back or anything like that. We give because it's good for our existence and because we have to continuously tell the world that regardless of other people's behaviour, we are stronger, we cannot be pushed by it and we will do exactly what we want without being affected by it.
That way, you will always know your worth (it’s not measured by people’s reaction), you will live at ease with yourself and others (without unnecessary drama) and you will be motivated to fear less and keep going for what you want out of life without being too dependent.
End of past post.
Try to do most of what you can do for others without expectations. If you can't do things for others without expecting something from them, it is better to not do it or best to let them know of your expectations before you go ahead to do it.
If you do not want to do something, then do not do it. This will save you a lot of stress and heartache.
Expect less and keep winning!