Why Are You Really Setting Boundaries?

Why Are You Really Setting Boundaries?

As highlighted in a previous article, having non-negotiable boundaries as an individual is a powerful way to protect yourself. It also gives others the opportunity to respect themselves in their interactions with you.

However, while setting boundaries is a healthy practice, it is important to examine why we have those boundaries in the first place. Sometimes, the mindset behind a boundary can mask deeper negative beliefs that need to be addressed.

Boundaries are not punishment. They are simply actions you will take if a line is crossed. The responsibility for enforcing a boundary is always on you. It cannot be about controlling the other person or dictating how they should behave, because that is outside your control.

With this understanding, the reason behind your boundaries becomes important.

For example, if your boundary is that you will not tolerate someone constantly showing up late, ask yourself:
Why do I have this boundary?
Is it because I expect people to disappoint me based on past experiences?

Or if you dislike close physical contact, could that be rooted in a past traumatic experience?

When you examine your boundaries with honest questions like these, you begin to see whether you are using boundaries to protect your well-being or as a subtle attempt to change other people’s behavior. Are you secretly hoping the boundary will transform them into who you want them to be?

If that is the case, then the motive behind the boundary will keep you tied to the same negative experiences.

The purpose of a boundary, even if it is informed by past experiences, should be your well-being and peace. It should not be layered with the expectation that someone else will meet an unconscious need you are carrying from the past.

No one, and I repeat, no one, is obligated to fill any emotional gap you perceive in your life. Setting boundaries with that expectation will only lead to disappointment.

Any unconscious needs you carry must be examined and resolved internally before you can truly say you are healed and ready to set healthy boundaries rooted in self-respect rather than unmet needs.

This is a subtle but important distinction.

Yes, it is perfectly okay to use past experiences as feedback for what kind of boundaries to set. For instance, if you lend someone money repeatedly and they do not repay you, it is reasonable to set a boundary: if they fail to repay, you will no longer lend them money.

That is healthy.

What is not healthy is setting that boundary with the hidden desire that they will suddenly change and become someone who always repays debts.

The difference is this:

In the first scenario, your emotional well-being is not dependent on the outcome. If they do not pay, you stop lending. No drama. No resentment. Whether they change or not is not your concern.

In the second scenario, your emotions are attached to the boundary. When they fail to meet it, you feel shattered, disappointed, and hurt because deep down, you were still hoping they would change.

Holding onto things you cannot control, whether you set a boundary around them or not, will eventually hurt you. The only person you can truly control is yourself. Attempting to control others through boundaries will only create resentment.

That is the subtle difference I wanted to unpack.

Many people talk about setting boundaries, but fewer people talk about the mindset behind them.

Set boundaries purely to protect your peace and well-being, with zero expectation about how, if, or when others will respond.

Keep it objective. Remove sentiment from enforcement. Take action based on your standards.

And keep winning.