Niceness Without Boundaries Is Self-Betrayal

Be good, but don’t just be nice!

Boundaries are key. Some people want you to always smile and laugh with them, to always be the reasonable person, the one who avoids conflict, the one who keeps making the effort to make things work.

The one who consistently makes sacrifices, while many of them are unwilling to do the same for you.

You know why? Because you have no boundaries. You give yourself away for others because you think, “it makes me a good person.” You want others to see you as someone who always does the right thing, someone who is correct in the eyes of the world.

But if you look closely, how has that worked out for you? You keep getting hurt, trampled on, and treated like you don’t matter. Then you complain to anyone who cares to listen about how good you are and wonder why people treat you like dirt.

The problem is not being a good person. The problem is having no boundaries. When you have no boundaries, you become a people pleaser, nice even when you are unhappy. You don’t make your position clear, and you don’t tell people what you’ll do if the behavior that makes you unhappy continues.

You stay silent in the name of keeping the peace, and it continues. It continues because it’s your responsibility to change a reality you don’t prefer by doing something about it. That includes making your boundaries, actions, and consequences clear.

When you don’t do this, you violate a natural law. Not taking responsibility leads to suffering. That suffering shows up as the unwanted behavior continuing and you feeling bad about why people don’t appreciate your “niceness.”

Let me be clear. I don’t advise anyone to be nice, especially those who are seeking validation from others or who don’t yet know themselves. I tell people to be true to themselves. Do what you want to do as long as, deep down, you know it’s the right course of action and aligned with who you are: worthy, full of love, free, and happy.

If you check honestly, whenever you fail to state your boundaries and try to keep the peace just to be seen as nice, you don’t feel happy, if you tell yourself the truth.

That unhappiness is feedback. It tells you that you made the wrong decision. If you had stated your boundaries instead, even if you felt angry, you would notice that the deeper bad feelings wouldn’t linger.

If this sounds like you, if you feel you do your best but people take you for granted, it’s time to look at your boundaries and how you communicate them.

This is a compound issue. A lack of boundaries is often rooted in trauma. Trauma of any kind usually involves feeling unworthy or less than human, perhaps due to a bad relationship with a parent, a past lover, or painful experiences with family or friends while growing up.

When people don’t look deeply into their past, they move into the future feeling unworthy and less than human. As a result, they seek validation everywhere. They don’t know who they are because they believe they are worthless and must prove to everyone how nice and how good they are.

Because this behavior is rooted in false beliefs, it repeats the cycle. People keep treating them badly, no matter how nice they are.

I don’t wish anyone reading this to be in that position because it’s a losing position. You are a winner in life. You are meant to experience winning in all aspects of your life, health, wealth, relationships, name it.

Life is beautiful. But to experience that beauty, you must fix your false beliefs, and your boundaries will begin to form naturally as a result.

Having some form of faith, spiritual or religious, can help greatly. If you can afford therapy, talk to someone you trust. It helps. And if you can’t, you can still get there through study, gaining knowledge, and leveraging the AI tools available to everyone today.

Don’t be too nice. Be firm with your boundaries and keep winning.

I once read this comment online from a user with the alias Pansophist:

“It’s a natural law that the weak will always suffer. It doesn’t matter if the weak person does the right thing, is kind, generous, and faithful.

Morality is the second layer after survival, and survival requires strength first, then morality. Your strength status should be non-negotiable. Then you will be alright when the other party betrays.”

The strength he talks about is demonstrated through your boundaries and your resolve to uphold them.

Don't be nice, be true!

Keep winning!