Heal Before You Love: Why Emotional Wounds Affect Relationships

This might be a controversial take, but it’s an interesting perspective I’ve been musing on lately.

Most people carry some form of emotional wound with them. It could be hurt from a past relationship, insecurity about their appearance, or even trauma from emotional or physical abuse experienced during childhood.

These wounds, whether visible or not, leave lasting impressions. And if they’re not acknowledged and healed, they can linger for years. Healing requires letting go, choosing not to let past pain dictate your future, and realizing your worth, your strength, and your life’s purpose.

When we carry unhealed wounds into new relationships, it’s like walking around with an open cut. Any minor comment, behavior, or action, especially from someone who had nothing to do with the original hurt can feel like salt in that wound. The pain you feel isn’t necessarily from what was just said or done; it’s the resurfacing of the original hurt that never healed.

This often leads to disproportionate reactions toward people who unintentionally trigger you. In those moments, your mind confuses the present for the past, and you react not to what’s in front of you, but to the wound behind you.

Naturally, this creates tension in relationships. If someone you care about keeps feeling like they’re walking on eggshells, afraid that any little thing might trigger a reaction, they’ll eventually shrink themselves just to keep the peace. That’s not sustainable. Most people want to feel free and safe to be themselves in a relationship. If they constantly feel like they have to manage your emotional landmines, they may start to resent you; whether they admit it or not.

That’s not the kind of feeling you want to cultivate in someone you're trying to build a life with.

Unhealed wounds also lead to poor defense mechanisms; like shutting down, lashing out, or people-pleasing; and automatic reactions that can hurt those who are actually trying to love you. It becomes bad news for both people involved.

So, what’s the solution?

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is heal before you enter a relationship. I’ve heard people say healing can happen in a safe and loving relationship, and I believe that’s true. But it often puts a heavy emotional strain on the other person. Expecting someone else to carry the weight of your healing isn’t ideal, even if it’s possible.

That’s why I advocate for taking responsibility for your healing. Work on yourself. Go for therapy or counseling if needed. Read books, listen to experts, reflect deeply, and practice the tools you learn. Over time, you’ll notice you’re no longer as reactive to the things that used to trigger you. You become more self-aware, feel safer in your own skin, more honest (without needing to wear a mask), and stop people-pleasing (or, as I call it, performing).

You start to feel free; free to be yourself, to live from your truth, and to love from a place of wholeness.

Only then can you enter a relationship without putting the pressure of healing on someone else. And that, I believe, is a win-win. You’re healed (or healing), and you're showing up whole for the person you want to build with, without expecting them to "fix" you.

Think about it: which would you prefer?

A partner who loves you but expects you to “heal them”, or a partner who loves you and has already done their own work, and now simply wants to love, grow, and build something meaningful with you?

I think we both know the answer.

Everyone carries wounds of some kind, but we owe it to ourselves, and to those who may one day fall in love with us to do the work. Heal first. Come into a relationship whole, grounded, and self-aware.

That’s my take. What are your thoughts?

Keep winning!