Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts

The Illusion Of Valentines Day

illusion of valentines day

It's February 14th again. Valentines day is celebrated around the world as lovers day. On this day lovers are expected to go the extra mile in showing love to their partners. They are so carried away by the hype that they fail to see the illusion that surrounds it.

Let's start with a brief history of Valentines Day:

Saint Valentine is a popular name associated with Valentines Day and he is frequently attributed with Valentine’s Day history.

He was a Roman priest during the third century, serving under Emperor Claudius. Strict Emperor Claudius believed that single men made better soldiers than married ones with families, and he therefore passed a law making marriage illegal for all young soldiers.

Valentine recognized the absurdity of this law and continued to marry young couples in secret, effectively defying his Emperor's order.

When Claudius discovered Valentine’s acts of defiance, he had him killed immediately. Valentine was later canonized by the Vatican and, in the 5th century, February 14th was named his feast day, the day designated by the church to honor and commemorate a saint’s life.

Another version here claims:
In France and England, February 14th is the beginning of the birds’ mating season, which symbolizes love, fertility, and the promise of spring.

Valentine’s day is celebrated in several countries throughout the world, including France, England, Australia, and of course The United States. The day began to rise in popularity around the 17th century, where it was very common for friends to exchange little gifts and notes of affection.

The first Valentine’s Day card was said to be sold in 1840 by Esther Howland, also known as The Mother of the Valentine, and today it is estimated that over 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year.

Those were the two common stories associated with the origin of Valentines Day.

With time, Valentines day seems to have been redefined. It has become a day when lovers are expected to overdo things and expect something extraordinary from their partners.

In all, it's supposed to be a day to celebrate love, but the illusion of expecting too much from another person is making the day distasteful.

Secondly, it creates the illusion that romance is higher than all other forms of love. A lot of partners in relationships feel that they are obliged to have sex on valentines day in order to show how much they love their partners.

You'll find out that there's a higher tendency for someone who may not really love you that much to allow you have access to their body. Why is it suddenly easier on valentines day? Something worth thinking about.

Last but not the least, it makes love seem like it's reserved for a special day. I mean, you have 365 days every year to show your love to another person.

Why wait to show that love only on Valentines day? Love isn't something that we have to save for a particular day or express fully on February 14th only.

Love is life itself and if we want to live fully, we should be free to show our love every single day. We don't have to hoard it until it's valentines day. Why wait?

Despite this illusion that I see associated with today, I still feel it's important to contemplate on the real meaning of true love and still show love to someone today.

Don't just do them today, contemplate love and show love to someone any other day you feel like, it doesn't have to be only today.

And you don't have to pretend you like someone because it's valentines day. You don't have to try to overdo things except you naturally feel that way. Neither do you have to decide to have sex with someone you don't even love because you're under valentines day pressure.

Let's be more real with ourselves today and celebrate love without allowing those illusions destroy the true meaning of what we're meant to celebrate today.

Have fun. Happy lover's day!



Secret To Building Effective Love Relationships (Look In The Mirror)

building effective Love relationships

Many go into relationships with the mindset of what they're gonna get out from it. This ain't really a bad mindset o. Humans are Basically motivated by what they will get from any venture(some may argue otherwise, but at the base of all our actions, there are expectations and motives). However these motives must also go with a deep reflection of what you can also do for the other party and that's where looking in the mirror comes in.

You want him/her to place you above every other thing, you must ask yourself whether you're also willing to do the same. No one will put you first if you've not shown a considerable level of care, interest and love towards them. It's not Hollywood, it's reality.


Breakups are common these days and people are falling in and out of relationships because they fail to look to look in the mirror. Whatever you expect from your partner, you should be willing to provide even more for that partner.

Love is really deeper than what most of us see it as these days. Love even transcends hate. With real love on our hearts for our beloved, we conquer all forms of conflict, fights or quarrels that may arise. If you form the habit of looking in the mirror, you will be able to really understand your partner and the motives behind his/her actions.

But then most of us aren't willing to look. We don't want to blame ourselves or try to understand why our partner may have been behaving differently. We simply just throw every fault at them and try to paint ourselves as right all the time. We even resort to applying certain wrong advices in order to create some form of desire or jealousy in the partner without even understanding why they're acting differently. It's like taking an injection for a sickness you're not even aware of. That will lead to catastrophe.

The starting point is to be really aware that we are not as perfect as we may think we are and our partners aren't gods either(they are humans liable to changing emotions and feelings). Therefore in order to build stronger relationships, we must always first try to get to the very root of any issues that may arise. We must never be quick to jump into conclusions, rather we should first try to blame ourselves instead of quickly blaming the other.

Because often times, we are the problem 90% of the time. It may be very difficult to see that because you've formed the unconscious habit of never accepting the blame of a bad relationship. You've always blamed it on the other, so it may be difficult to see that you are actually the problem. And the major reason why you may be the problem is simply because you've not tried to understand the root.

You have to be willing to go the extra mile and show genuine love and care to the one you love. The more you express that love, the more the love grows in the other and the more the other person will be willing to treat you exactly the same way. That's how it works. It's not a one sided affair.

It often happens that sometimes we may really be trying our best to show love to someone we care about and they don't even seem to care. This is dicey situation because it could hurt your feelings that this person doesn't appreciate your love. In this situation, you need to really ask yourself whether you sincerely love that person and they aren't committed to another relationship. If the answer is Yes to both, you should persist. Try to push harder and let this person know exactly how you feel about him/her.

Continue to show your love and care. Most times, they will eventually be overwhelmed by your sincere love and reciprocate eventually much more than you even expected. However, in rare cases after persistent efforts, some people will still not care to reciprocate. At this stage, you don't need to feel and about it. If you're really expecting them to reciprocate, you must drop the expectation and simply love them as a choice if you wish to continue loving them. You should never get desperate or obsessed though. Simply just love for the sake of loving and if they push you away, leave them and find someone else to share your love with.

It's our nature to love and be loved. And no situation should make you decide to stop showing love or reciprocating the love shown to you by others. Love makes life worth living and love never runs out. The more you share it, the more you receive it. When you're in a relationship, it's not about how much love you get. It's about your willingness to share your love as much as possible in it. Real love shouldn't really depend on how much love you're receiving from your partner. It should depend on how you're ready to keep giving knowing that whatever you give will eventually return a thousand fold.

If at any point in a relationship you no more feel the desire to share your love, the relationship has become unhealthy. But make sure that the unhealthiness wasn't simply as result of your partner's inability to fulfill some expectation of yours. That will be selfish. Let the only reason be that you no more genuinely feel the desire to share your love in that relationship.

The beginning and end of any relationship should be dependent on you and not necessarily on your partner. Let's think about this and build more loving relationships.

Until next time,
Nigel.

Not Always About What You Think


A bold winner must always put into consideration the fact that things may not be exactly as he/she thinks. You may have ideals and beliefs about something, but be careful enough to consider what other people think about it as well before accepting or concluding your own assertions of what's true.

Often times, we make the mistake of thinking that we're always right and what we believe is true. That makes us arrogant and indifferent to other people's point of view. We must avoid that by first trying to get a balanced perspective of things. From there we can make well informed decisions on what to believe or act upon.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie's Ted Talk on the "Danger of a Single Story" points out the importance of gaining that balanced view of things. You can see the enlightening video here on YouTube:




Make it a priority to always gather information from extensive and diverse sources before making a decision to believe anything or act upon it. It gives you a greater edge over someone who just believes things without substantial information because he/she simply feels they are true.

Don't take regrettable actions or make poor decisions because you thought you were right. Be sure of your thought results by considering what others think as well.

Stay Bold.. Keep Winning! 

Your Own Needs Matter!

your own needs matter

I used to be that person who always puts his needs last. I only considered what other people wanted without considering my own needs. I did this because I felt I will be liked by other people or gain their admiration.

I was doing all for them and for their approval. It turned out that even though I was putting my needs behind and working for the needs of others people, I was still unhappy. I got their approval and most of them thought, "He's such a nice guy." But I wasn't happy.

The prison of what other people would say or think about me kept me behaving this way for quite some time. But then I found out I wasn't living my life. I was not doing what I wanted to. Life wasn't fun for me even though I made others happy. What was the problem?

I had to think deeply about it as it bothered me a lot. Then, somehow I figured out the answer: My own needs really matter. I didn't have to sweep those needs under the carpet while helping meet the needs of others. There was a connecting point between my needs and the needs of other people.

I could meet my own individual needs while also meeting other people's needs. It wasn't meant to be a win - lose situation. That was the problem. I was making other people happy, because I only wanted to please them, without considering my unhappy self.

I figured out that there is a way to please myself while pleasing others. This is different from being selfish because selfishness focuses on pleasing oneself even at the disadvantage of other people around you. This was beyond selfishness. It brought mutual happiness. I was happy understanding that I could still make people around me happy while honoring my own needs in any situation.

It was a win-win. It was the perfect answer. I didn't have to do things just because I needed the approval of people around me. That's important, but most importantly, I must do things because I really wanted to do them and achieve my own objective as well.

It was an eye opening moment. A moment of deep insight. I've been a happier individual ever since. Happy with life, happy with self and sharing that happiness with people around me.

Keep winning! 

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